Flashback

My CFA is nearing. I had taken a leave yesterday to study. Today i had to go to ofiice. When i was leaving for office i received Prats sms saying that the GD and interviews for the junior batch are on in the office and someone from each department should be there to answer any queries that they might have.

I went to office and in some time went to the conference room where they were waiting for their turn.

As i walked nearer to the room, flashes of the time when i had gone for the interview came into my mind. It was strange, a year ago i was in the same position as them. So much has changed since then. My life has changed so much, it has reached where i would have never even imagined. Now i realize suddenly, how important this is to me. Sometimes we get so used to things that we start taking everything for granted. This is a dangerous time . Something which takes you back to reality and makes you realize the importance of things in life is very necessary.

As i think of myself in the same position as they are today, a little confused, not sure what lies in the future, i realize how lucky i was to get selected and how lucky i am to be here today at this beautiful place amongst these awesome people.

A rainbow of emotions! Thats what my mind is. Its been a year! How time flies, i feel as if it was just yesterday that i landed in Mumbai and came to the institute, all excited, a little nervous, stepping into a new phase of my life.

Its hard to believe that in another 1 year, it will be over. Its hard to imagine life out of this. I don’t know what i would do. I am a little scared. I don’t want it to end. It is like a dream. I sometimes feel that any moment someone will call out my name and i will wake up and realize, god! It was only a dream. I am sure these are the best days in my life and i am going to remember them for the rest of my life.

But with all this i also realize how far i have come. The energy with which we had come has converted into a calm. The intent of learning and achieving as much as i can had slowly started to recede. But now, i realize that once more. As i recall the frame of mind with which i had come here, the energy and the intent are back. What if i fail, what if i am not successfull, i must try, i will prove that it is possible to balance everything after all. I hope I do!

wts right, wts Wrong?

As i stand in the pantry of my plush office sipping coffee while taking a break from work, i stare out from the window. There is some construction going on adjacent to the building and so there are small huts built as a temporary residence for the labourers working there. I stare at these huts and think,,,When will these people reach where i am?? perhaps generations...perhaps not even then..

Then i see a small child of about 10 years playing amidst these huts and again the thought comes to mind,, will he be able to even dream of working in an office like this.The two worlds are so near yet so far. But then i realised, does he need to reach where i am ?? I looked at him closely and found that he was happy, playing with a self made kite, with no worries or tensions. Can i dream of something like this to ever happen to me or to my kids or to my future generations ever ?? Can i see such a childhood for my future generations where they dont have to worry about exceling at school or at sports or in other fields? The answer is a definite no ! So the same question echos, Does he need to reach where i am?? He may not be able to eat three good meals in a day but what is important is that he is happy! In his own little world, He doesnt have to think about learning math, reading newspapers keeping himself up to date on current events,,He is Carefree, he is enjoying! So why does he need to be in an office like i am?? Perhaps he doesnt.. How can i say that i am in a better position than he is?

Wts right? Wts wrong?

Lest, Right, Straight..

Where do I go?

Left, right, straight, where should i go??

A complex web of thoughts, confusing thoughts occupy the mind.

What should i do, where should i go..Theres too much to do in life and the Utopian world of balancing everything that i had thought of, seems to be fading away, seems more like a dream than ever before. But where do i stop?? How do i decide what is achievable and what is just out of my reach and what is a dream and what can be a reality..Is the world of balance, the world where everything happens simultaneously, where you can adjust so that you don't have to compromise on one thing for another, a reality or a distant dream...

And if its a dream, where should i compromise? how should i decide what is important and what is not. Spending precious seconds of time enjoying the moments of life right now seems important to me but leave me with a sense of incompleteness, a sense of regret and guilt. Guilt that i am not doing what i am supposed to, that this is not supposed to be like this, But who decides what i am supposed to do and what i am not?? it should be me..

How do i strike that perfect balance ?? How do i do things worth 48 hours in a day of 24 hours in which time flies past like a gush of wind..

How do i control my thoghts? How do i bring down my expectations of myself.. How do i make myself understand that i cant have everything in this world, that i cant achieve anything and everything that i think of, that this world after all is NOT a Utopian world , this is reality and reality doesn't work that way

How do prioritize things when each one seems of equal importance to me??

How do i sort my tangled thoughts, how do i soften this storm of thoughts, how do i find a direction

Where should i go?? left, right, straight..........

My Inner Self

There are days in ones life when everything seems to be going like a dream and then there are days when your innner expecations of urself come to the fore and say" Dude is this all ?? is this what u wanted in life? is this good enough? will you smile 50 years from now and say i have achieved all I wanted?? theres so much to do in life ,, you cant just lie low and relax even for a second.."

There is danger in both !!!

If everything seems like a dream,, chances are something is wrong and you are not doing what you actually want to do. In other words you may be content of what life is offering you. This is not a good sign. You goto have a fire in you to be successful as the big guys, to make it big, to stand out.. to achieve what you dreamt of.

But then what is the use of achieving that if the process of achieving that is not appealing..

Wat is the use of reaching the top if the journey of reaching the top is not good..

In other words why do you want to reach the top? because you find happiness in that. If you are content and happy with what you have,, is their any need to be at the top?

Then again your inner self which demands more out of u will keep coming out and telling you that you are made for more, you have to stand out,,YOU CANT JUST LIE LOW,, ..

This again though good in one way is dangerous in another, You have got to realize that it needs to end somewhere. You need to realize your capabilities your strengths and weaknesses in the true sense and make your inner self understand what you can achieve and what you cannot. That you need not be as good as others around you because you are better than them in other respects. That over burdening yourself will result in nothing, that you can achieve things upto a certain level.. that you cant be the best in everything,,that you need to relax and take time out and enjoy as well,, that the journey is equally important if not more important than the destination.

Sounds easy, but it is the most difficult thing in life to achieve and very few people actually understand this and even fewer are actually able to achieve this balance and those who do are amongst the few blessed.

I hope to achieve it someday !!!